I reckon that the two biggest relationships we have in our lives are the ones we have with our partner and the one we have with our employer. They’re big because of their significance, because of how all consuming they are and because of the impact they have both when they’re running smoothly and when things aren’t going so well. If you have a job that you really enjoy and it gives you everything that you're looking for, you almost look forward to the Monday mornings and happily spend extra time working through little conundrums over a late night coldie. Similarly, if you and your partner have a rock solid relationship and you know that your number one fan is with you whenever you want them, armed with all the things that put a smile on your face, many of life's other troubles pale into insignificance. But what are the qualities that we are seeking in both these huge relationships and are there any correlations between the two?

Never have I felt so totally out of my league than the day I sat watching the London city bankers starting their working day. It began with a power walk along the West Bank, presumably to get to a really important meeting. Ladies were striding out in their sharp, tailored, pinstriped skirt suit, fitted blouse, patterned stockings and a pair of running shoes! I imagined their court shoes were tightly packed in their briefcase alongside the cheese and pickle sandwiches and the morning newspaper that had been skim read on the train. They all had the same stressed, preoccupied look about them. The early starts, huge hours, almost unachievable targets, overambitious KPI's, competitive work colleagues – must have combined to create an intense, volatile work environment. The pressure must have been so high that it would have made the office tension almost palpable. However, they all looked like it satisfied them, fulfilled their needs and gave them happiness. They looked highly capable and you could see the extrinsic rewards for their efforts and achievements in the shape of an iphone and a Rolex watch. Would these high-energy, driven City Slickers be attracted to the same qualities in their personal relationships? Would they naturally gravitate towards fiery, temperamental, impulsive partners where shouting and door slamming were commonplace? Would they need the extreme highs and lows to feel ‘alive’ and the volatility to remain interested? Perhaps this would fulfil their needs and give them happiness.

Compare the city slicker to the guy whose alarm wakes him up every morning at the same time. He routinely prepares for work doing the same things in the same order at the same pace; he goes to work to do an eight hour day where more time is spent sharing his experiences and giving support to his colleagues than burning himself out hitting targets. I wonder, is his stable, dependable, secure, working environment an indication that his personal relationship would be too? If this guy was called ‘Brian’, and the door slamming City Slicker was called Vicky, could you imagine them in a healthy happy relationship together? Would it last?

If we are the same person at work as we are at home, it should be safe to assume that we would value the same ethics and attributes in both our professional and personal companion. I feel that both employer and partner need to support our values and allow us to achieve our own goals. If there’s a pull in a different direction, surely the fight becomes too tiring to comfortably continue.

My theory is that no matter how the relationship functions, in order for it to be sustainable there must be an equal exchange of some description taking place. If both parties are putting enough in and both parties are getting enough out, that would at least be equal. On top of being equal though, I think that this exchange of commodities needs to be in the same currency for the relationship to have a potentially long shelf life. If Vicky gets paid shed loads and gets a big bonus when targets are hit, that rewards the massive hours, stress and effort in a way that satisfies her. If Brian's rewards for his commitment and hard work are a friendly working environment with healthy team culture and job stability, then for him that would be a fair exchange. If you put Brian in the City, he'd get eaten alive; maybe he wouldn't even be tempted to go in the first place. Give Vicky Brian's job and she’d be bored out of her brains in no time. Would their motivators prevent them from settling into a long lasting and fulfilling relationship with each other or with each other’s jobs?

Maybe the secret is to first work out the rewards you want to get from the relationships you have. That then helps determine who you end up with and what you end up doing. However, we often don’t truly know how we want to be rewarded until we end up in a situation we don’t like. The packaging is sometimes misleading and it might take a few rough breakups until we ultimately find a relationship that rewards us with a currency that we can spend.